I’ve always wanted to be a mom.
But for some weird reason, while growing up, I’ve always had this morbid fear in me that I can’t have babies. After I became a Christian, I kind of got a hold of myself in this area, but there was always this nagging worry that I might grow old without having a kid of my own. It’s weird because I certainly didn’t have girl friends who thought the same way as I did. In fact, quite on the contrary, some of my friends were worried about getting pregnant instead, if you know what I mean. =X
So when hubby and I decided to try for a baby 3 years into our marriage, I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant immediately. I thought that we probably had to try for a year or so. Because, come on, who gets pregnant so fast? Haven’t we watched enough drama serials of people who try for years before they could have a baby?
But thank God we didn’t have to try long. The pregnancy took place during one of the biggest transitions in my life – I left my comfortable government job of 7 years and joined my church as a full-time secretary. I was grappling with so many different changes that I didn’t even realise I was pregnant till the first trimester was over. =P The pregnancy was very easy and smooth with no morning sickness or loss of appetite at all. It was truly God’s grace.
I didn’t feel like a mom until much later. I saw my baby only on the second day after I went through a complicated birthing process. I was 40 weeks pregnant with no signs of giving birth yet. Gynae induced me, broke my water bag after 15 hours and I was still not dilated. Eventually, I was pushed into the operating theatre for an emergency C-section at 12 midnight. After Joey was delivered, I couldn’t see her because she was placed in the NICU (Intensive Care Unit) as I was having fever during the final moments before the operation. When I did meet Baby Joey the next day after a night of sleep, I didn’t connect immediately with her. To me, she was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen, but the truth that I had become a mom did not sink in. Thankfully, as I plunged into my motherhood duties with much gusto, the realization did occur eventually. I AM A MOM.
The second time I went through my pregnancy was less easy because I felt nauseous most of the time until the second trimester. Overall it was still considered smooth though. I had no issues with my health, and I didn’t feel overwhelmed having to cope with a child and a baby in tummy. The birth process was uneventful of course because I went straight for the C-section. The first time I saw Baby Jayne though, the feeling was different. I felt the intense love of a mother inside of me. It was much easier the second time round to fit into my role.
Am I glad I chose to become a mom? I certainly did. Not everything was rosy and easy, but motherhood has brought a whole new dimension to my life. It’s true I lost my freedom, my sleep and my dreams of travelling around the world. Yet, the rewards were much greater than all that. Do I think I make a good mom? On some days, I think so, but on others, I feel I suck at it big-time. I must have mentioned this before - Motherhood is a journey with the most emotional roller-coaster rides. It is definitely not for the faint-hearted. But I can confidently say it’s something I would do all over again if I could live my life again.
For those of you reading this and trying to have a baby, I pray that your heart’s desire will come to pass very quickly. Children are blessings and inheritance from God, and I truly believe that God, being faithful and good, will give you that blessing & inheritance. Keeping believing!
This is one of those many times I am thankful I started this blog. It’s documented all my ups & downs as a mom, and every big & small thing my kids have gone through. A mother’s journey is worth documenting every step of the way.
Thank you for staying on this journey together with me. =)
