As a mother of two girls, a question I often ask myself is whether I have shown favouritism to either of the girls in any way that may cause the other girl to feel unhappy or insecure.
The truth is, I cannot be fair 100% of the time even though I try my best to, because I am only a human being who have my flaws and weaknesses. Joey is my firstborn, and in many ways, she is special and no matter how cute Jayne can be, she can never replace the position of Joey in my heart. Many of the important milestones in my life are related to Joey, and I've experienced many new emotions and feelings because she came into my life. But similarly, Joey cannot be compared to who Jayne is in my heart because she will always be my baby and the littlest in the family.
Growing up, Joey has always had this streak of insecurity in her. My mother-in-law thinks it's partly because she started going to the nursery in my office since she was 3 months old, and thereafter a full-day childcare at about 30 months. Jayne, on the other hand, was taken care of by my mother-in-law at home and only started childcare the year she turned four. Perhaps, a large part of Joey's insecurities came from having a sister join the family.
For three years, she was the only baby in the house and the first grandchild on both sides. Even among my friends, I was one of the first to have a baby, so you can imagine the amount of attention poured on her all the time. Then of course, Jayne came along, and many people's attention turned to her simply because she was a newborn. Having to juggle between her new role as an elder sister and experiencing this shift in attention to this sister is not an easy transition. I totally can understand because I am a firstborn myself, and I went through a long period of time feeling jealous of my baby brother. It might be even more so for Joey because the sibling is another girl, just like her. At least I could comfort myself that I am the only daughter my parents ever had, so I am special.
This no-favouritism thing is no joke. It's a tough call and takes special effort to make it happen. Babies demand a lot more attention naturally, and because for the first two years of their lives, they don't understand what discipline is, we tend not to discipline them much. Joey, as an elder sister, would get a lot more discipline and scolding because she was supposed to be the more sensible one who can understand and follow instructions. So sometimes I hear Joey complain that I am only holding her responsible for the mischief that BOTH she and Jayne did. While I want her to know that she has an added responsibility as an elder sister to teach and guide her sister, I want to be careful not to make her feel resentful either.
As with many younger siblings, Jayne is the more cheeky and mischievous one, who would play tricks on her sister, disturb her and cause her to over-react in response and get scolded by us in the end. Plus, she has the 'thickest' skin around who could still grin and laugh in your face when you are scolding her. =.= I admit, it's really hard to keep feeling angry when such an adorable face looks right in your face with the cheekiest smile ever. I fail miserably sometimes. And the little girl gets away with her mischief yet again. Help me, O Lord.
I've been doing a few things in hope to alleviate Joey's insecurities. All are very simple things, but I've found that they are pretty effective. Every now and then, I would go give Joey a big hug for no reason at all. I've realised that just like me, Joey loves to be hugged - It is one of her love languages. Hugging always gives a person a sense of security and love anyway. I would also heap praises on her whenever she completes a piece of artwork or school assignments etc. Focusing on her good points and strengths would help to build her self-confidence. Isn't there a saying that goes, "A kid grows up to be who her parents say she will be."? Power of confession and spoken words. Then of course, now and then, I would find a chance to bring Joey out alone just to give undivided attention to her. When Jayne is out with us as well, I have to take special care of her especially in crowded places because she is not as independent as Joey yet. Bringing Joey on a one-to-one date is good for bonding.
Parenting has got to be the toughest thing I've ever done in my life. It is an amalgamation of tack, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, patience, love, faith and as often as possible, lots of humour. As with most people, my journey is mostly done through trial and error. When I didn't do something too well, I learn from it and handle it better the next time round. When I speak or act in a way that doesn't encourage or motivate my kids in any way, I remind myself I shouldn't do something like that again. Of course, there are lots of setbacks on this journey, and I wish I could have done many things better, but I guess there is also beauty in imperfections. God didn't love me because I am perfect, and I certainly do not love my kids any lesser because of their imperfections.
Tough journey, but glad I am on it. :)
